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Joke archive II



> > >Subject: Fwd: Men Jokes

> > > >      Men are like.....Coffee.
> > > >      The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Cement.
> > > >      After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
> > > >      Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Blenders.
> > > >      You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Coolers.
> > > >      Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Copiers.
> > > >      You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Curling irons.
> > > >      They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Government bonds.
> > > >      They take so long to mature.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like....High heels.
> > > >      They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Horoscopes.
> > > >      They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
> > > >      If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Lava lamps.
> > > >      Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Laxatives.
> > > >      They irritate the shit out of you.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Mascara.
> > > >      They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Mini skirts.
> > > >      If you're not careful, they'll creep up your on your butt.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Noodles.
> > > >      They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Parking spots.
> > > >      The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are
> > > >       handicapped or extremely small.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Plungers.
> > > >      They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like....Popcorn.
> > > >      They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Placemats.
> > > >      They only show up when there's food on the table.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Snowstorms.
> > > >      You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or
> > > >       how long he will last.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Used Cars.
> > > >      Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Vacations.
> > > >      They never seem to be long enough.
> > > >
> > > >      Men are like.....Weather.
> > > >      Nothing can be done to change either one of them.


What is a cat?  Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're
totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you
want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every
whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost
an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats!!


What is a dog?  Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food being opened
half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can
look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they
want to play. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave
their toys everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats........

Subject: : 10 fun puns

1. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -
if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
>
2. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank- proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
>
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
>
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
5. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll
just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served
on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with  the hubcap?"   The
waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
>
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
>
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
8. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end
of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was
out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his
regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory
daiquiri, doc."
>
9. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something
to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the
jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
>
10. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten  different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


>    Don't Lie To Your Mom
>
>  John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
>  couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She
>  had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his
>  roommate, and this only made her more curious.
>
>  Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
>  started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than
>  met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know
>  what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
>  roommates."
>
>  About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your
>  mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
>  You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it,
>  but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
>
>  So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take
>  a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a
>  gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since
>  you were here for dinner. Love, John"
>
>  Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
>  read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and
>  I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact
>  remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found
>  the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

11. "Ahhh!  Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm.  Put a shield on my saber I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling-a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here, I am.  Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise.  Leave now you must!"
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW!  On my ear you are!"
1. "Who is your Jedi master?  WHO IS your Jedi Master?"


>------------Women's truths----------------------------------------
>
>Dolly Parton:
>I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not
>dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
>
>Erica Jong:
>You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
>smart woman with a dumb guy.
>
>Wendy Liebman:
>I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
>
>Lizz Winstead:
>I think; therefore, I'm single.
>
>Hedy Lamarr:
>Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
>
>Elayne Boosler:
>When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.  Men invade
>another country.
>
>Margaret Thatcher:
>In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything
>done, ask a woman.
>
>Katharine Hepburn:
>Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.  Perhaps they
>should live next door and just visit now and then.
>
>Marie Corelli:
>I never married because there was no need.  I have three pets at home which
>answer the same purpose as a husband.  I have a dog, which growls every
>morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late
>at night.
>
>Baroness Edith Summerskill:
>Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
>
>Linda Ellerbee:
>If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?   How
>intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
>
>Zsa Zsa Gabor:
>I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
=============================================================================

>Subject:     UPCOMING MASTERCARD COMMERCIAL
>
>Lockheed  F-16 Fighting Falcon - $25 million dollars
>Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter - $45 million dollars.
>Boeing B-52 Stratofortress - $74 million dollars.
>Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber - $2.1 billion dollars.

>A decent map of downtown Belgrade - Priceless.

===============================================

>Actual epitaphs from gravestones ...
>
>On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
>           Here lies
>           Ezekial Aikle
>           Age 102
>           The Good
>           Die Young.
>
>In a London, England cemetery:
>           Ann Mann
>           Here lies Ann Mann,
>           Who lived an old maid
>           But died an old Mann.
>           Dec. 8, 1767
>
>In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
>           Anna Wallace
>           The children of Israel wanted bread
>           And the Lord sent them manna,
>           Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
>           And the Devil sent him Anna.
>
>Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
>           Here lies
>           Johnny Yeast
>           Pardon me
>           For not rising.
>
>Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
>           Here lies the body
>           of Jonathan Blake
>           Stepped on the gas
>           Instead of the brake.
>
>In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
>           Here lays Butch,
>           We planted him raw.
>           He was quick on the trigger,
>           But slow on the draw.
>
>A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
>           Sacred to the memory of
>           my husband John Barnes
>           who died January 3, 1803
>           His comely young widow, aged 23, has
>           many qualifications of a good wife, and
>           yearns to be comforted.
>(ed: guess they did not have personnal ads then)
>
>A lawyer's epitaph in England:
>           Sir John Strange
>           Here lies an honest lawyer,
>           And that is Strange.
>
>Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
>           I was somebody.
>           Who, is no business
>           Of yours.
>
>Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the
>cowboy days of the 1880's.  He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetry in
>Tombtone, Arizona:
>           Here lies Lester Moore
>           Four slugs from a .44
>           No Les No More.
>
>In a Georgia cemetery:
>           "I told you I was sick!"
>
>John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
>           Reader if cash thou art
>           In want of any
>           Dig 4 feet deep
>           And thou wilt find a Penny.
>
>On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
>           She always said her feet were killing her
>           but nobody believed her.
>
>In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
>           On the 22nd of June
>          - Jonathan Fiddle -
>            Went out of tune.
>
>Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds
>like something from a Three Stooges movie:
>           Here lies the body of our Anna
>           Done to death by a banana
>           It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
>           But the skin of the thing that made her go.
>
>More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
>           Gone away
>           Owin' more
>           Than he could pay.
>
>Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
>           In Memory of Beza Wood
>           Departed this life
>           Nov. 2, 1837
>           Aged 45 yrs.
>           Here lies one Wood
>           Enclosed in wood
>           One Wood
>           Within another.
>           The outer wood
>           Is very good:
>           We cannot praise
>           The other.
>
>On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
>           Under the sod and under the trees
>           Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
>           He is not here, there's only the pod:
>           Pease shelled out and went to God.
>
>The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
>           Who was fatally burned
>           March 21, 1870
>           by the explosion of a lamp
>           filled with "R.E. Danforth's
>           Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
>
>Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
>           Born 1903--Died 1942
>           Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
>           the car was on the way down. It was.
>
>In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
>           Here lies an Atheist
>           All dressed up
>           And no place to go.
>
>In a cemetary in England:
> Remember man, as you walk by,
> As you are now, so once was I,
> As I am now, so shal you be,
> Remember this and follow me.
>
>To which someone replied by writing on the tombstome:
>
> To follow you I'll not consent,
> Until I know which way you went.


> > Subject:  Things to Think About
> >
> >  Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
> >  _____________________________________
> >  I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
> >  But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
> >  anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
> >  miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
> >  caught dead in otherwise.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank
> >  robbery has just taken place.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
> >  were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting
> > yourself  in the head to stop your headache.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
> >  other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
> >  locks, they are always locking three.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
> >  language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
> >  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
> >  aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
> >  suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best
> >  friends.  If they are okay, then it's you.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
> >  image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
> >  it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
> >  of the body before you do the wash.
> >  _____________________________________
> >  I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
> >  because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is
> >  attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
> >  ____________________________________
> >  A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
> >  know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a
> >  psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
> >  to kill you too."

Top Ten Least Popular Shows On The Discovery Channel

10. "Squirrels -- Satan's Secret Army!" 
9. "Mummified!: The Makeup Techniques Of Joan Rivers" 
8. "Exploring The Titanic With The Lens Cap On" 
7. "When Animals Can't Digest Doritos" 
6. "Hector, The Gay Manatee" 
5. "The Myth of the Female Orgasm" 
4. "Wildflowers of the Antarctic: We Got There, There Weren't Any, But We
      Made A Show About It Anyway" 
3. "Ancient Mysteries: Why Is Dr. Joyce Brothers Famous?" 
2. "National Geographic's Stark Naked Fat Guys At The Beach" 
1. "Stuff That Was Too Boring For PBS" 

Subject: FW: The World According To Andy Rooney

Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there
with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it
in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for
me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.
Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married' (walk off). That's how
they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes:
My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.'  Who would that be, Jesus
Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?  I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over
there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that
when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.

Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for
commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped
it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90
cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very
strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!"
(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the
mood."

Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep."
You say, "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


************************************************************************

> QUOTES TO LIVE BY

> Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
> -Billy Crystal
>
> Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
>through his wallet.
> -Robin Williams
>
> Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only
>time of the month that I can be myself.
> -Roseanne
>
> I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
>'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not!
>If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
>   -Larry Miller
>
> If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"
> -Delta Burke
>
>   You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this
>look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
>   -Dave Barry
>
>   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
>undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.They say
> that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
>   -Jay Leno
>
>   In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is
>that really a problem in this country?    Men not paying enough   attention to
> women's breasts?
>   -Jay Leno
>
>   We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
>They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the
>general has to do is walk over to the women and say,
>  "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
>  -Elayne Boosler
>
>   There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
>having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
>swelling. So what's the problem?
>   -Jay Leno
>
>   The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent
>because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from
>semi-automatics to uzis.
>  -Conan O'Brien
>
>   Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris.
>Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.
> -Tim   Allen
>
>   Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband
>forgot   the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't
>admit  he'd forgotten the code ... he turned himself in. -Rita Rudner
>
> The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
>But if you ever get stuck doing it, have fun with it. At the  end of the
>night, drop them off at the wrong house.
>   -Jeff Foxworthy >>
===================================

> > HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
> >
> >"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like
> >sports,she should like it that you like sports, and should keep the chips and
> >dip coming."  Alan, age 10
> >
> >"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
> >God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
> >stuck with."  Kirsten, age 10
> >
> >WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> >
> >"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
> >  then."  Camille, age 10
> >
> >"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get   married."
> >Freddie, age 6
> >
> >HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
> >
> >"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6
> >
> >"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
> >same kids."  Derrick, age 8
> >
> >WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
> >
> >"Both don't want no more kids."  Lori, age 8
> >
> >WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
> >
> >"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
>> each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."
> >Lynnette, age 8
> >
> >"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
> >them interested enough to go for a second date."  Martin, age 10
> >
> >WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
> >
> >"I'd run home and play dead.  The next day I would call all the
> newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."   Craig, age 9
> >
> >WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
> >
> >"When they're rich."  Pam, age 7
> >
> >"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess  with
> >that." Curt, age 7
> >
> >"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry
> >them and have kids with them.  It's the right thing to do."   Howard, age 8
> >
> >IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
> >
> >"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.  I'm   never
> >going to have sex with my wife.  I don't want to be all grossed out."
> >Theodore, age 8
> >
> >"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need   someone
> >to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
> >
> >Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no
> >diapers.  Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and
> >have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing."  Kirsten, age 10
> >
> >HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
> >
> >"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"   Kelvin, age 8
> >
> >"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us
> >just the same as they do now."  Roberta, age 7
> >
> >HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
> >
> >"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
> >clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
> Lori, age 8
> >
> >"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck."
> >Ricky, age 10

===========================
>>An executive goes out and buys a Ferrari GTO.  It is the best and most
>>expensive car in the whole world, costing about $500,000.
>>
>>He takes it out for a spin and while stopping it for a red light, an old man
>>on a Moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
>>
>>The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What
>>kind of car 'ya got there, sonny?"
>>
>>The executive replies, "A Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
>>
>>"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
>>
>>"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!", states the cool   guy proudly.
>>
>>The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
>>
>>"Sure," replies the owner.
>>
>>So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
>>
>>Leaning back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, allright!"
>>
>>Just then, the light changes so the guy decides to show the old Man what his
>>
>>car can do. He floors it, gets on Interstate 66, and within 30 seconds
>>the speedometer reads 320 mph.
>>
>>Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
>>getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
>>whhhoooossshhhh!
>>
>>Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going
>>faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
>>
>>Then ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooosh! It goes
>>by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old
>>man on the Moped.
>>
>>"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a Moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
>>Again, he sees the dot in his rear view mirror, getting bigger!
>>
>>Whooooooosh! Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing
>>the rear end. The executive jumps out, and it IS the old man! Of course, the
>>Moped and the old man are hurtin' bad.
>>
>>He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt badly! Is there anything
>>I can do for you?"
>>
>>The old man moans and replies, "Yes..... Unhook my suspenders from your
>>side view mirror!"


>>> Letters sent to the UK DHSS (Social Security).
>> >
>> >  Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
>> >
>> > Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as
>> >  my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
>> >
>> > I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt
>>> my  knob off.
>> >
>> > The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared.
>> >
>> > The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which
>> > is unsightly and dangerous.
>> >
>> > Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife
>> > tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.
>> >
>> > Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we
>>>  would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do
>>>  something about it.
>> >
>> > Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and
>> > the box fell on his head.
>> >
>> > Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The
>> > clergy have been visiting her.............
>> >
>> > I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is
>> > unable to masturbate his food.
>> >
>> > In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your
>> >  officer with no results so far.
>> >
>> > I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported
>> > missing, is dead.
>> >
>> > Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in
>> > to hospital to have her overtures out.
>> >
>> > Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children -
>> > one of which is a mistake as you will see.
>> >
>> > My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he
>> > finds he is lethargic to it.
>> >
>> > Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be
>> > obliged to live an immortal life.
>> >
>> > The children have been off school because there is a lot of
>> > measles about and I had them humanised.
>> >
>> > Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors
>> > with my landlord and milkman.
>> >
>> > You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?
>> >
>> > Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing
>> > but a hypodermic.
>> >
>> > In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to
>> > twins in the enclosed envelope.
>> >
>> > I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor
>> > for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I
>> > shall get another doctor.
>> >
>> > I do not get any money from my son. he is in the army and his
>> > regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.
>> >
>> > Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.
>> >
>> > Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those
>> > on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.
>> >
>> > I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate.
>> > This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.
>> >
>> > I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This
>> > was due to contraceptional circumstances.
>> >
>> > I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
>> > when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
>> >
>> > The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door
>> > throwing balls on the roof.
>> >
>> > This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man
>> >  next  door.
>> >
>> > The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

>>DOG BREEDS THAT DID NOT MAKE IT.

>>>  Collie + Lhasa Apso
>>>  Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
>>>
>>>  Spitz + Chow Chow
>>>  Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
>>>
>>>  Bloodhound + Borzoi
>>>  Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
>>>
>>>  Pointer + Setter
>>>  Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
>>>
>>>  Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier
>>>  Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
>>>
>>>  Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
>>>  Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
>>>
>>>  Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
>>>  Peekasso, an abstract dog
>>>
>>>  Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
>>>  Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
>>>
>>>  Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
>>>  Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
>>>
>>>  Newfoundland + Basset Hound
>>>  Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
>>>
>>>  Terrier + Bulldog
>>>  Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
>>>
>>>  Bloodhound + Labrador
>>>  Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
>>>
>>> Malamute + Pointer
>>> Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
>>>
>>>  Collie + Malamute
>>>  Commute, a dog that travels to work
>>>
>>>  Deerhound + Terrier
>>>  Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
>>>
>>> Bull terrier + Shitzu
>>> Bull Shitzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Little People Humor

>> Never trust a dog to watch your food.
>> Patrick, Age 10
>>
>> When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
>> Matthew, Age 12
>>
>> Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
>> Andrew, Age 9
>>
>> Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
>> Rocky, Age 9
>>
>> Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
>> Stephanie, Age 8
>>
>> Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
>> Rosemary, Age 7
>>
>> Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
>> Lamar, Age 10
>>
>> Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when
>> your parents are doing taxes.
>> Carrol, Age 9
>>
>> Never bug a pregnant mom.
>> Nicholas, Age 11
>>
>> Don't ever be too full for dessert.
>> Kelly, Age 10
>>
>> When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
>> answer him.
>> Heather, Age 16
>>
>> Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
>> Michael, Age 14
>>
>> Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
>> Joel, Age 12
>>
>> When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
>> she's on the phone.
>>
>> Never try to baptize a cat.
>> Laura, Age 13
>>
>> Never spit when on a roller coaster.
>> Scott, Age 11
>>
>> Never do pranks at a police station.
>> Sam, Age 10
>>
>> Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
>> Rob, Age 10
>>
>> Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do
>> what your mom told you to do.
>> Hank, Age 12
>>
>> Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
>> Molly, Age 11
>>
>> Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
>> Chelsey, Age 7
>>
>> Stay away from prunes.
>> Randy, Age 9
>>
>> Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
>> Phillip, Age13
>>
>> Forget the cake, go for the icing.
>> Cynthia, Age 8
>>
>> Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and
>> grandma's house.
>> Joanne, Age 11

>> Tips for Northerners moving South

> >  1.   Save  all  manner of bacon grease.  You will be instructed later
>        how to use it.
> >  2.   If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
>        "Bubba".  You have a 75% chance of being right.
>        If it's a woman, use "honey."
> >  3.   Just  because  you  can  drive on snow and ice does
>        not mean we can.  Stay home the two days of the year it
>        snows.
> >  4.   If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.   Four men in
>        the cab of  a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a
>        tow chain will be along shortly.    Don't  try  to  help them.
>        Just stay out of their way.  This is what they live for.
> >  5.  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
> >  6.  Do not buy food at the movie store.
> >  7.  If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
> >  8.   Remember:  "Y'all" is singular.   "All y'all" is plural.  "All
>       y'all's" is plural possessive.
> >  9.  There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
>       accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
> > 10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
> > 11. People walk slower here.
> > 12.  Don't  be  worried  that  you  don't   understand  anyone. They
>        don't understand you either.
> > 13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
>       Northerner's vocabulary  is  the   adjective "Big ol'",
>       as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".
>       Eighty-five  percent  begin  their new southern
>       influenced dialect with this expression.
>       One hundred percent are in denial about it.
> > 14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
> > 15. Be advised:  The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
> > 16.  If  attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until
>        the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
> > 17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay
>      out of  his way.  These are likely the last words he will ever say.
> > 18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
>       who do.  In  fact,  if  you   see  a signal blinking on a car
>       with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was
>       on when the car was purchased.
> > 19.  Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
>       car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
> > 20.  The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
>        until November.
> > 21.  If  there  is  the prediction of the slightest chance of even
>        the most minuscule  accumulation   of  snow,  your  presence
>        is required at the local grocery   store.  It does not matter if
>        you need anything from the store, it   is just something
>>     you're supposed to do.
> > 22.  Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.  When you
>        purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of
>        your trailer. This is logical bearing   in  mind that the
>        dish cost considerably more than the trailer and  should,
>        therefore, be displayed.
> > 23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common.
>       In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
> > 24. Florida is not considered a southern state.  There are far more
>       Yankees than Southerners living there.
> > 25.  In  southern  churches  you  will  hear the hymn, "All Glory,
>        Laud and Honor".  You  will   also hear expressions such as,
>        "Laud, have mercy","Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy,
>        Laudy".
> > 26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
>       directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned
>       to drive on a model of  vehicle  known   as  John  Deere,
>       and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
> > 27.  You  can  ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you
>        already know  the  positions   of  key hills, trees and rocks,
>         you're better off trying to   find it yourself.

>This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements
>for her husband's  funeral. She tells the director that she
>wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

>He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black
>suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue
>suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

>When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
>coffin and he  is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
>director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

>He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.  The funniest thing
>happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
>this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
>same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
>husband were buried in a black suit.  She said that was fine
>with her.

>So... I switched the heads"


Baby Boomers... Then and Now!

  Then: Killer Weed
  Now:  Weed Killer

  Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
  Now:  Being caught by Hustler magazine

  Then: Hoping for a BMW
  Now:  Hoping for a BM

  Then: The Grateful Dead
  Now:  Dr. Kevorkian

  Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
  Now:  Getting a new hip joint

  Then  Mood Stones
  Now:  Kidney Stones

  Then: Moving to California because it's cool
  Now:  Moving to California because it's warm

  Then: Being called into the principal's office
  Now:  Storming into the principal's office

  Then: Screw the system!
  Now:  System upgrade.

  Then: Peace Sign
  Now:  Mercedes Logo

  Then: Getting your head stoned
  Now:  Getting your headstone

  Then: "The Making of the President"
  Now:  The making of the President

  Then: "Going blind"
  Now:  REALLY going blind

  Then: Long hair
  Now:  Longing for hair

  Then: Father Knows Best
  Now:  Go ask your mother!

  Then: Parents begging you to get a haircut.
  Now:  Children begging you to get their head shaved.

  Then: Acid rock
  Now:  Acid reflux

  Then: The perfect high
  Now:  The perfect high-yield mutual fund

  Then: Keg
  Now:  EKG

  Then: Take acid
  Now:  Take antacid

  Then: VW Microbus
  Now:  Voyager Minivan

  Then: Thai Stick
  Now:  Thai Food

  Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
  Now:  Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

  Then: Passing the driving test
  Now:  Passing the vision test

  Then: Seeds and stems
  Now:  Roughage

  Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
  Now:  Popping joints

  Then: Whatever!
  Now:  "Depends"

  Then: Ommmmmm
  Now:  Ummmmmm
  
  Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
  Now:  Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

 


  Vet's Second Opinion

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table.  The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows.  The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador.  The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks.  The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis.  The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
--------------------------------------------
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
The "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
--------------------------------------------
The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,"Thou
Shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
--------------------------------------------
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
-------------------------------------------
L.A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
--------------------------------------------
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross
the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

--------------------------------------------
Dr. Seuss:
>>>Did the chicken cross the road?
>>>Did he cross it with a toad?
>>>Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
>>>but why it crossed, I've not been told!
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Ernest Hemingway:
>>>To die. In the rain.
>>>
>>>Grandpa:
>>>In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
>>>us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Aristotle:
>>>It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Karl Marx:
>>>It was an historical inevitability.
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Saddam Hussein:
>>>This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
>>>dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Ronald Reagan:
>>>What chicken?
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Captain James T. Kirk:
>>>To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Fox Mulder:
>>>You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to
>>>cross before you believe it?
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Machiavelli:
>>>The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of
>>>crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Freud:
>>>The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
>>>reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Bill Gates:
>>>I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads,
>>>but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
>>>book --and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
>>>--------------------------------------------
>>>Einstein:
>>>>Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
>>>chicken?

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