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Joke archive I



Subject: FW: Memo from Upper Management

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in
time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time
(code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is
a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your
unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial
System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below
is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our
observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any
difficulties you may encounter.

Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation:

     5000 Surfing the Net

     5001 Reading/Writing Social Email

     5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004)

     5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail

     5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail

     5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail

     5316 Meeting

     5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

     5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting

     5319 Waiting for Break

     5320 Waiting for Lunch

     5321 Waiting for End of Day

     5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

     5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present

     5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

     5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning

     5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

     5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me

     5481 Buying Snack

     5482 Eating Snack

     5500 Filling Out Time Sheet

     5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries

     5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

     5503 Scratching Myself

     5504 Sleeping

     5510 Feeling Bored

     5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610)

     5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610)

     5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610)

     5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323)

     5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610)

     5605 Bitching about Personal Problems

     5610 Searching for a New Job

     5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching

     5701 Not Actually Present at Job

     5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu

     6102 Ordering Out

     6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

     6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food

     6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

     6201 Stealing Company Goods

     6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

    6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls

    6206 Gossiping

    6207 Planning a Social Event

    6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself

    6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching

    6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job

    6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers

    6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks

    6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

   6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603)

     6602 Complaining

     6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

    6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time

     6611 Staring Into Space

     6612 Staring at Computer Screen

    6615 Transcendental Meditation

    7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.)

    7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone

   7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone

   7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone

    7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone

    7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone

    7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone

    7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone

    7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

    7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400)

    7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity

     8000 Recreational Drug Use

=========
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard.  Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he
did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.  He also was quite a spiritual person.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

read on if you dare ... :-)

He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with
halitosis.


David Letterman's Top Ten Most Dangerous Toys

10. The Hula Noose 
9.   Professor Saddam's Li'l Biological Warfare Kit 
8  . Light-Me-On-Fire Elmo 
7.   Chutes, Ladders and Open Manhole Covers 
6.   Mattel Ass Rocket 
5.   Rabid Snoopy 
4.   The "Too-Big-For-My-Windpipe" Jigsaw Puzzle 
3    Mr. Potato Head Multiple Outlet Strip 
2.   Linda Tripp's "Let's Tape Daddy" Portable Recorder 
1.   E-Z Bake Open-Flame Oven 



>>A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
>>>nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms.
>>>Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

>>>Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
>>>borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog
>>>says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank
>>>manager.

>>>Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
>>he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he
>>has anything he can use as collateral.
>>>
>>>The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink
>>>porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and
>>>perfectly formed.
>>>
>>>Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
>>>manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and
>>>reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to
>>>know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as
>>>collateral."
>>>
>>>She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
>>>
>>>So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack,
>>>Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
>>>
>>>--
>>>

Subject: Bridge to Hawaii

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled
> across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a
> genie. The genie said, "OK, OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah
> blah blah.
>
> This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of
> these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
>
> The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
> always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very
> seasick.
> Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to
> visit?"
>
>  The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
> logistics of that!
>  How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
> Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!
>   No, think of another wish."
>
> The man said OK..... and tried to think of a really good wish.
>
> Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.  My
> wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
>
> So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside
> and what they're thinking when they give me the silent
> treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'

> ....know how to make them truly happy...."
>
>   The genie said,    "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
>

>>> > >>>The 15 Best Things to Say if You Are Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

>>> > >>>    15) They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
>>> > >>>    14) This is just a 15 minute power nap like they  raved
>>> > >>>          about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
>>> > >>>    13) Whew! Guess I left the top off of the Liquid Paper.
>>> > >>>    12) I was meditating on the mission statement and  envisioning
>>> > >>>          a new paradigm.
>>> > >>>    11) This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people.
>>> > >>>    10) I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
>>> > >>>     9) I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
>>> > >>>          work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people
>>> > >>>         who practice yoga?
>>> > >>>     8) I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"
>>> > >>>         (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you
>>> > >>>         made me go to.
>>> > >>>     7) Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
>>> > >>>           solution to our biggest problem.
>>> > >>>     6) The coffee machine is broken...
>>> > >>>     5) Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
>>> > >>>     4) Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
>>> > >>>     3) Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian  rhythms of the
>>> > >>>         workaholic.
>>> > >>>     2) I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a  contact lens
>>> > >>>         without my   hands.
>>> > >>>     1) Amen

: TOP 10 REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

>  > >>> 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the  sack.
>  > >>>
>  > >>> 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
> >>>>>
>  > >>> 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
>  > >>>
>  > >>> 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
>  > >>>
>  > >>> 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
>  > >>>
>  > >>> 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
>  > >>>
>  > >>> 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
>  > >>>
>  > >>> 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
>  > >>>
>  > >>> 2) Less guilt the morning after.
>  > >>>
>  > >>> 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

What a difference punctuation can make

>An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing"
>on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
>
>The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
>The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is nothing."

> Subject: Have you ever noticed ...

>
> Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
> anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
> --George Carlin
> --------------------
> You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started
> walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't
> know where the hell she is.
> --Ellen DeGeneris
>
> ---------------------------
> I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
> marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.       
> --Rita Rudner
>
> ---------------------------
> I'm not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
> --Carol Leifer
>
> ---------------------------
> I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want,
> But you must eat it with naked fat people.
> --Ed Bluestone
>
> ---------------------------
> The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By
> The second day you're off it.
> --Jackie Gleason
>
> ---------------------------
> I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
> fries."  The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with
> that?"
> --Jay Leno
>
> ---------------------------
> The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
> be caught dead in otherwise.                
> --Roger Simon
>
> ---------------------------
> I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
> helmets.
> --Dave Edison
>
> ---------------------------
> If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
> candlelight.
> --George Gobel
>
> ---------------------------
> Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the Salvation
> Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a
> hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
>
> --Billiam Coronel
>
> ---------------------------
> Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.
>
> --Oscar Wilde
>
> ----------------------------
> I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a
> Vegetarian because I hate plants.
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
> ---------------------------
> If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and
> saving  an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life
> without even considering if there is a man on base.
> --Dave Barry
>
> ---------------------------
> Suppose you were an idiot...  And suppose you were a member of
> Congress ...  But I repeat myself.
> --MarkTwain
>
> ---------------------------
> Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
> to listen to our grandparents breathe through their
> noses when they're eating sandwiches.                
> --Jim Carrey
>
> ---------------------------
> My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
> the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned
> how  to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
> swim."
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> ---------------------------
> I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability
> to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
> That may be. But I think there's one other thing that
> separates us from animals.  We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
>
> --Jeff Stilson
>
> ---------------------------
> Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?  I
> think that's how dogs spend their lives.
> --Sue Murphy
>
> ---------------------------
> Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always
> say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.'     On what? On fire?
> --Rita Rudner
>
> ---------------------------
> Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
> pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
> bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
> problem.  Maybe you should get rid of the  body before you do the wash.
>
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
> ---------------------------
> Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
> through  my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
> eating a slow  learner.
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
> ---------------------------
> What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
> me?  
> --Marilyn Pittman
>
> ---------------------------
> Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying,
> But when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
> --Lily Tomlin
>
> ---------------------------
> Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
> But to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
> ---------------------------
> I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
> New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
> but  it just isn't cold enough.  Let's go west.'             
> --Richard Jeni

>           TALES FROM THE WILD
>                
>         -------------------------------------
>These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment
>cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
>
>* "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles.
>   Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
>
>* "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
>
>* "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service
>   needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the
>   number of visitors to wilderness."
>
>* "Trails need to be wider so people can walk
>   while holding hands."
>
>* "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."
>
>* "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building
>   trails that go uphill."
>
>* "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.
>   Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
>
>* "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow
>   in the winter."
>
>* "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get
>   to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
>
>* "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me
>  awake. Please meradicate these annoying animals."
>
>* "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
>
>* "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
>
>* "The places where trails do not exist are not
>   well marked."
>
>* "Too many rocks in the mountains."

>Subject: children's books you'll never see
>
>These were from a (Washington Post, I think) contest for "A Children's Book
>You Will Never See."
>
>"You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
>
>"Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
>
>"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
>
>"Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)
>
>"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
>
>"Where's Godot?" (Jonathan Paul,  Garrett Park)
>
>"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" (David Genser, Arlington)
>
>"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North
>Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
>
>"All Dogs Go to Hell" (Joseph Romm, Washington)
>
>"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" (Joseph Romm, Washington)
>
>"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It" (Barry
>Blyveis, Columbia)
>
>"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" (John Kammer, Herndon)
>
>"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" (Kenneth Krattenmaker, Landover
>Hills)
>
>"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" (Martin Keutel,
>Alexandria)
>
>"Bi-Curious George" (Art Grinath,  Takoma Park)
>
>"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
>
>"You Are Different and That's Bad" (Christopher Richard, Springfield)
=================================================

> THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON
>
> "Now son, you don't want to drink beer.  That's for Daddys, and  kids with
>fake IDs."
>
> "Marge, it takes two to lie.  One to lie and one to listen."
>
> "You couldn't fool your mother on the
>foolingest day of your life  if you  had an electrified fooling machine."
>
> "Marge, don't discourage the boy!  Weaseling out of things is   important
>to learn.  It's what separates us from the animals!  Except the
>weasel."
>
> "If you really want something in life you have to work for it.  Now
>quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
>
> "To alcohol!  The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
>problems!"
>
> "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
>keeping  its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode!  I   think it
> was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
>
> "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that
>will  get you  through life.  Number one, 'cover for me.'
>Number two, 'oh, good  idea,  boss.'  Number three, 'it was
>like that when I got here.'"
>
> "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
>
> "Step aside everyone!  Sensitive love letters
>are my specialty.  'Dear Baby,  Welcome to
>Dumpsville.  Population: you.'"
>
> "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy.  People die all the   time.
>Just like that.  Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow.  Well, good
>night."
>
> "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you  win
>or  lose: it's how drunk you get."
>
> "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't-  it's that
>girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and  foxy
>boxing and such and such."
>
> "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike.  You just
>go in  every  day and do it really half-assed.  That's the
>American way."
>
> "Stealing!  How could you?  Haven't you learned anything from that
>guy who gives those sermons at church?  Captain whats-his-name?  We
>live in  a  society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all  those
>Police  Academy  movies?  For fun?  Well I didn't hear anybody
>laughin', did you?"
>
> "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
>
> "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding,  'you're
>making a scene.'"

=========

>>>> A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest.  They were looking
>>>> for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
>>>> Here are some of the submissions...
>>>>
>>>> 1.  As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
>>>> using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
>>>> and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning
>>>> quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)
>>>>
>>>> 2.  What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
>>>> encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
>>>>
>>>> 3.  E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
>>>> be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
>>>> Company)
>>>>
>>>> 4.  This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
>>>> important interfere with it.  (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
>>>> Parcel Service)
>>>>
>>>> 5.  Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.   No one
>>>> will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it
>>>> for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when
>>>> it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
>>>> Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
>>>>
>>>> 6.  My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
>>>> only needed corrections.  She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
>>>> she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of
>>>> Dell Computers)
>>>>
>>>> 7.  Quote from the Boss:  "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'
>>>> say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
>>>>
>>>> 8.  "How About Friday?"  My sister passed away and her funeral was
>>>> scheduled for Monday.   When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I
>>>>
>>>> would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.  He then asked
>>>> if we could change her burial to Friday.  He said, "That would be better
>>>> for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
>>>>
>>>> 9.  "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
>>>> going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long
>>>> Lines Division)
>>>>
>>>> 10.  We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This
>>>> is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
>>>> mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
>>>>
>>>> 11.  One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
>>>> concerning a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow would be
>>>> soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
>>>> tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
>>>>
>>>> 12.  Speaking the Same Language:  As director of communications I was
>>>> asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and
>>>> materials.  In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
>>>> "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.   The day after I routed
>>>> the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's
>>>> office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the
>>>> building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand
>>>> for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company.   Finally he showed me
>>>> her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word
>>>> "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and
>>>> once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the
>>>> definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry.  He would take
>>>> care of it.  Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out -
>>>> directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday
>>>> newspaper could be used in company memos.  A month later, I   resigned.  In
>>>> accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting
>>>> words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
>>>>
>>>> 13.  This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo
>>>> from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily
>>>> determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of
>>>> transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not
>>>> supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

Subject: What NOT to say to a cop

1.  I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2.  That uniform makes your butt look really big.
3.  You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
4.  Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
5.  I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
6.  Hey, you must have been doing about 125mph to keep upwith me!
7.  Good job!  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
8.  I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9.  Bad Cop!  No Donut!
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11.  When you smack the crap out of me, make sure you smile pretty.
12.  I pay your salary!
13.  Gee, thanks officer!  That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a warning too.
14.  Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.
15.  I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
16.  Sorry, I can't hear you over the radio.  No I am not turning it down I love this song.
17.  Well, when Ireached down to pick upmy baag of crack, my gun fell off my
       lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
18.  Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

>Subject:  [Fwd: Bungee]]

>>>Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.  The first guy says to the second.
>>>"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
>>>service in Mexico."  The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two
>>>pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,
>>>insurance, etc.

>>> They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.   As
>>>they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.  Slowly,
>>>more and more people gather to watch them at work.


>>> The first guy jumps.  He bounces at the end of the cord, but
>>>when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and
>>> scratches.  Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him,
>>>he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.  This time, he is
>>>bruised and bleeding.  Again,the second guy misses him.
>>> The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
>>> This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of
>>> broken bones and is almost unconscious.  Luckily, the second guy finally
>>> catches him this time and says, "What happened?  Was the cord too   long?"


>>> The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?

 

Subject: BART SIMPSON'S PUNISHMENT

> > The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the same
> > sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, the old "write it
>>100 times" punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker.
> >
> > Each episode is different.
> >
> > Someone apparently went to the trouble of taping all the Simpsons,
> > watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the
board.
> >
> > These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening
credits.
> > Even if you're not a fan, you'll like these:
> >
> >
> > I will not carve gods.
> >
> > I will not spank others.
> >
> > I will not aim for the head.
> >
> > I will not barf unless I'm sick.
> >
> > I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
> >
> > I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
> >
> > I will not conduct my own fire drills.
> >
> > Funny noises are not funny.
> >
> > I will not snap bras.
> >
> > I will not fake seizures.
> >
> > This punishment is not boring and pointless.
> >
> > My name is not Dr. Death.
> >
> > I will not defame New Orleans.
> >
> > I will not prescribe medication.
> >
> > I will not bury the new kid.
> >
> > I will not teach others to fly.
> >
> > I will not bring sheep to class.
> >
> > A burp is not an answer.
> >
> > Teacher is not a leper.
> >
> > Coffee is not for kids.
> >
> > I will not eat things for money.
> >
> > I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
> >
> > The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
> >
> > I will not call the principal "spud head".
> >
> > Goldfish don't bounce.
> >
> > Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
> >
> > No one is interested in my underpants.
> >
> > I will not sell miracle cures.
> >
> > I will return the seeing-eye dog.
> >
> > I do not have diplomatic immunity.
> >
> > I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
> >
> > The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
> >
> > All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
> >
> > I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
> >
> > I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
> >
> > My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
> >
> > I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
> >
> > I am not deliciously saucy.
> >
> > Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
> >
> > The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan!".
> >
> > I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
> >
> > There are plenty of businesses like show business.
> >
> > Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
> >
> > I will not waste chalk.
> >
> > I will not skateboard in the halls.
> >
> > Underwear should be worn on the inside.
> >
> > I will never win an Emmy.
> >
> > I will not torment the emotionally frail.
> >
WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON - from Jane

>"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
> -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

>"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
>clothes."
> -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why
> he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

>"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
> -- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

>"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't
>seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through
>in school."
> -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a
> freshman because of academic requirements

>"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500
>SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to
>and from class"
> -- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

>"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
>prison for three years, not Princeton."
> -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again
> with promoter Don King

>"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
> -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon
> during his visit to Greece

>"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes
>to see the game anymore."
> -- Yogi Berra

>"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
> -- Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

>"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a
>guy like Norman Einstein."
> -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

=================

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in
>the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine:
>
>1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
>2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
>3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
>4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
>5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
>6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
>7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
>8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
>9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
>10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
>11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
>12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
> commitments."
>13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
>14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond
>to my resume on my office voice mail."
>15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
> absolutely nothing."
>16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
> meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
>17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
>18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
>19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
>20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
>21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
>never quit a job."
>22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
>23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
>work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
>24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
> employers."
>25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
>26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
>
>
>And for those of us who already have jobs, these quotes were taken from
>actual performance evaluations:
>
>1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
> started to dig."
>2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
>3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
>4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
>definitely won't be."
>5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
> trap."
>6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
> foot was previously in there."
>7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
>8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
>9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
>them."
>10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
>11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

>Subject: Proverbs

>A First grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.  She gave each
>child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with
>the rest.
>

>*As you shall make your bed so shall you ..........................mess it up.
>*Better be safe than.......................................punch a 5th  grader.
>*Strike while the ...............................................bug is close.
>*It's always darkest before.............................daylight savings time.
>*You can lead a horse to water but........................................how?
>*Don't bite the hand that.........................................looks dirty.
>*A miss is as good as a....................................................Mr.
>*You can't teach an old dog new..........................................math.
>*If you lie down with the dogs, you'll...................stink in the morning.
>*The pen is mightier than the............................................pigs.
>*An idle mind is........................................the best way to relax.
>*Where there's smoke, there's.......................................pollution.
>*Happy the bride who....................................gets all the presents.
>*A penny saved is....................................................not much.
>*Two's company, three's........................................the musketeers.
>*Children should be seen and not..........................spanked or grounded.
>*When the blind leadeth the blind..........................get out of the way.

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