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Joke archive III



================================================

Subject: Election Reconciliation


      The election is over
      The results are known.
      The will of the people
      Has clearly been shown.
      Let's forget our differences
      And show by our deeds.
      That we'll give our government
      The backing it needs.
      We'll all get together,
      Let bitterness pass.
      I'll hug your elephant
      You kiss my ass.
============================================

>>Subject: Presidential Election

Japan sent us 50,000,000 cases of Viagra.
They heard that our entire country can't get an
election.

==============================================

>>Subject: Maine Temperature Conversion Chart
> > >
> > >      60 above: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. People in
> > >      Maine plant gardens.
> > >
> > >      50 above: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in
> > >      Maine sunbathe.
> > >
> > >      40 above: Italian & English cars won't start. People in
> > >      Maine drive with the windows down.
> > >
> > >      32 above: Distilled water freezes. Moosehead Lake's water
> > >      gets thicker.
> > >
> > >      20 above: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves
> > >      and woolly hats. People in Maine throw on a flannel shirt
> > >
> > >      15 above: New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
> > >      People in Maine have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
> > >
> > >      0: People in Miami all die... Mainers close the windows.
> > >
> > >      10 below: Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Maine
> > >      get out their winter coats.
> > >
> > >      25 below: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Maine
> > >      are selling cookies door to door.
> > >
> > >      40 below: Washington D.C. runs out of hot air. People in
> > >      Maine let the dog sleep indoors.
> > >
> > >      100 below: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Maine-iacs
> > >      get frustrated because they can't start the kah.
> > >
> > >      460 below: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the
> > >      Kelvin scale). People in Maine start saying...."Cold 'nuff
> > >      for ya?" (answer: "ayuh")
> > >
> > >      500 below: Hell freezes over. New England Patriots win the
> > >      Super Bowl.
===================================================

===================================================
>>Subject: [Fwd: Fw: Worthy Puns]

> >  1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire in
> > the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
> > your kayak  and heat it too.
> >
> >  2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
> > and  became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
> > fields and  never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was known as
> > the lesser of two weevils.
> >
> > 3. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up
> > to the bar and announced "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> >
> > 4. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
> > during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.
> >
> > 5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
> > in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
> > about an    hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
> > disperse. "But   why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,"I
> > can't stand   chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
> >
> >  6. A man entered his local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
> >  different  puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> >
> >  7. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went
> >  to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family
> > in   Spain; they named him Juan.  Years later, Juan sent a picture of
> > himself to his mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband
> > that she  wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband
> > responded,"But they  are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl."
> >
> > And the worst of the bunch:
> >
> >  8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
> >  a  small florist shop to raise the funds.  Since everyone liked to buy
> > flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought
> > the  competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
> > they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
> > ignored   him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of
> > business. They  ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh
> > MacTaggart, the toughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"them to close.
> > Hugh beat up the   friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
> > if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
> > (Brace yourself.)
> >
> > That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Subject: Los Alamos Lab Memo

> > IMPORTANT MEMO
> >
> > To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
> > From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
> >
> > Dear staff members:
> > Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the American people to our minor
> > difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a wee bit.
> >
> > Effective Monday:
> > 1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
> > contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic
> > table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in
> > "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a
> > sad sign of the times.

> > 2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
> > longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be
> > reversed. Please don't tell anybody.

> > 3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and
> > mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without
> > proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a
> > stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ." The
> > stickers will be available at the front desk.

> > 4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer
> > be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as sweedchicks.com or
> > hackers-r-us.com, etc. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained,
> > however.

> > 5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no
> > longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
> > advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.

> > 6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers
> > at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the
> > cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to
> > "keep un eye on zem" for us.
> > 7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of
> > plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects
> > around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids
> > with their science fair projects.

> > 8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational
> > use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the
> > Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.

> > 9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
> > alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
> > working hours.
                                                                          Sincerely,
                                                                          Bill


==================================================================================
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply..."The word is celebrate."
==============================================================================

> > > How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

> > > One. And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this
> > > house knows HOW to change a light bulb, that's why. They don't  even
> > > know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark
> > > for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And once they figured it
> > > out they wouldn't be able to FIND the light bulbs despite the fact that
> > > they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS!
> > > But if, by some MIRACLE, they did find AND CHANGE the light bulbs,
> > > TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to
> > > stand on would STILL BE IN THE SAME  SPOT!!!  AND UNDERNEATH IT
> > > WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #@#*!
> > >  LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE
> > > IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE, THAT'S WHY!!!!
> > > IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF
> >>  CRAP 12 FEET DEEP THROUGH THE ENTIRE #@!$#%! HOUSE!!!!!
> > >
> > > That's how many.


> 21 REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN:
>
> 1)  The bandage was wound around the wound.
> 2)  The farm was used to produce produce.
> 3)  The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
> 4)  We must polish the Polish furniture.
> 5)  He could lead if he would get the lead out.
> 6)  The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
> 7)  Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
>       present the present.
> 8)  A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
> 9)  When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
> 10) I did not object to the object.
> 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
> 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
> 13) They were too close to the door to close it.
> 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
> 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
> 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
> 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
> 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number(?).
> 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
> 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
> 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

> Winners of New York Magazine contest were asked to take a well-known
> expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a
> definition for the new expression:
>
>    RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish
>                  QUIP PRO QUO: A last retort
>        HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive aFrench motorcycle?
>                 EX POST FUCTO: Lost in the mail
>                  IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys!
>             VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person,
>                                I conquered.
>              COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle.
>                  RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead
>                 QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal
>    LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead.  No kidding.
>                   POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous
>             PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown (or politician)
>              MON AGE A TROIS: I am three years old
>                 FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat
>                 HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food
>             VENI, DIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.
>                      ALOHA OY: Love, greetings, farewell from such a
>                                pain you should never know.
>                     MAZEL TON: Tons of luck
>                VISA LA FRANCE: Don't leave your chateau without it.
>            L'ETAT, C'EST MOO: I'm bossy around here.
>                    CARNE DIEM: Seize the meat.


THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ANDY ROONEY


Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put  advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there
with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it
in.Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I  write, "Could you throw this away
for me? Thank You."

Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew  what that stuff
was for. Then I noticed women coming up to  me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's
hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there.   Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'.  'For Cripe's  sake. 'Who would
that be, Jesus Cripe's?  The son of 'Gosh'  of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it.  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby  kicking. They say,
'Oh my God.  He's kicking. Do you wanna  feel it?' I always feel awkward
reaching over there.  Come  on!  It's weird to ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don't do that when I have gas.  "Oh my god...give me your
hand...It  won't be long now..."

Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that  says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your  grandmother that way, do
you?  Out entering wet shawl  contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a  year to house
each prisoner?  Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in  Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows.  I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want  to run, they can rest in the
chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in  and vote on
different issues?  Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I
don't know".  It costs 90 cents  to call up and vote...They're voting "I
don't know.  "Honey, I feel very strongly about this.  Give me the phone.
(Into  Phone) I DON'T KNOW!"  (Hangs up looking proud.)"Sometimes   you
have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."  This guy
probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95  to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny,  positive
messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's  a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now.  I hope you  are too. The thought for the day is
'Share the love.' Beep."  "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of
being positive,  your test is back.  Stop sharing the love."

 

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you,
that you're from Ireland."  The other guy responds proudly,"Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did
you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street
in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what
school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! Ican
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you
believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be
a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again." 
========================================================


>> >US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
 >> >broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to Sponsor a Boy
 >> >scout Troop visiting his military installation.
 >> >
 >> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
 >> >teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
 >> >
 >> >GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
 >> >archery,and shooting."
 >> >
 >> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
 >> >
 >> >GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on
 >> >the rifle range."
 >> >
 >> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
 >> >activity to be teaching children?"
 >> >
 >> >GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper
 >> >rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
 >> >
 >> >FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
 >> >
 >> >GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but   you're
 >> >not one, are you?"
 >> >
 >> >The radio went silent and the interview ended.


>>  TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

> >>  10.  You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
> >>   9.   Your firstborn is named dotcom.
> >>   8.   You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness,
> >>         as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
> >>   7.   You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child
> >>         in the overhead compartment.
> >>   6.   You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,just for the free Internet access.
> >>   5.   You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
> >>   4.   You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
> >>   3.   You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.
> >>   2.   You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
> >> > >> > >
> >> > >> > >  DRUM ROLL PLEASE...
> >> > >> > >
> >> > >> > >
> >> > >> > > AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME  TO JOIN
> >> > >> > > E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS...
> >> > >> > >
> >> > >> > >
> >> > >> > > 1.  Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to all your friends.
> >>

> Grant me the sincerity to accept things I cannot change .
> The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the
> bodies of those I had to kill today, because they got on my nerves.
>
> Also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be
> connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.
>
> Help me always to give 100% at work
> 12% on Monday
> 23% on Tuesday
> 40% on Wednesday
> 20% on Thursday and
> 5% on Friday
>
> And help me to remember....
>
> When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up ,
> it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile but only 4 to extend my arm and
> smack someone in the mouth!
===============================================

>>>Subject: Bullfights

>> > An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of
>> > sightseeing.

>> > While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
>> > looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
>> > smell was wonderful.  He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The
>> > waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles
>> > from the bull  fight this morning. A delicacy!"

>> > The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me
>> > an order!"  The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
>> > per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you comeearly
>> > tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

>> > The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening
>> > he was served the  one and only special delicacy of the day.   After a few
>> > bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and
>> > said, "These are  delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
>> > saw you serve yesterday!"

>> > The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped
 the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie." Looking around,
 he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
 bartender at the end of the bar.

 A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man
 called the bartender over.

 "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender.

 "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a
 soul in here but us."

 "It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

 "Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

 "You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're
 complimentary."

===============================================

>> The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation
>> for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.

>> The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When
>>the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the  congregation
>>approved again.

>> Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset
>> over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting
>> one night with the minister.

>>Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!!" 
> > An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts
> > of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"
======================================================== 

> > > This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you
> > > are qualified to be a professional.
> > >
> > > There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You
> > > just need to think like a professional.
> > >
> > > 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
> > >
> > > The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
> > > close the door.  This question tests whether or not you are
> > > doing simple things in a complicated way.
> > >
> > > 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
> > >
> > > Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut
> > > the refrigerator.
> > >
> > > Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in
> > > the elephant and close the door. This question tests your
> > > foresight.
> > >
> > > 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend
> > > except one. Which animal does not attend?
> > >
> > > Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator!
> > > This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.
> > >
> > > OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one
> > > may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be
> > > a professional.
> > >
> > > 4. There is a crocodile-infested river. How do you cross it?
> > >
> > > Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending
> > > the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability.
> > >
> > > If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true
> > > professional. Wealth and success await you.
> > >
> > >...three out of four, you have some catching up to do but
> > > there's hope for you.
> > >
> > > ...two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger
> > > flipper in a fast food joint.
> > >
> > >...one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's
> > > the only way you will ever make any money.
> > >
> > > If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require
> > > any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.
> > >

======================================

> The Three Corporate Lessons:
>
> Lesson Number One
>
> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
> saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
>
> The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
> below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
> on the rabbit and ate it.
>
> Moral of the story is:
>
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.>
>
> Lesson Number Two
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
> "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
> turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
>
> "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
> "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
> and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
> first branch of the tree.
>
> The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
> branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at
> the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
> the turkey out of the tree.
>
> Moral of the story:
>
> Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.>
>
> Lesson Number Three
>
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
> bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was
> lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen
> bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
>
> The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
> happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
>
> A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
> cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
>
> The morals of this story are:
>
> 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
> 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
> 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut
==========================================================

State Mottos

>>Alabama:  Yes, We Have Electricity
>>
>>Arizona:  Yeah, But It's a Dry Heat
>>
>>Arkansas:  Litterasy Ain't Everthing
>>
>>California:  As Seen on TV
>>
>>Colorado:  If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
>>
>>Connecticut:  Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
>>
>>Delaware:  We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
>>
>>Florida:  Ask Us About Our Grandkids
>>
>>Georgia:  We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
>>
>>Hawaii:  Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
>>LeaveYour Money)
>>
>>Idaho:  Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
>>
>>Illinois:  Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
>>
>>Indiana:  2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
>>
>>Iowa:  We Do Amazing Things With Corn
>>
>>Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit
>>
>>Kentucky:  Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
>>
>>Louisiana:  We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
>>
>>Maine:  We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
>>
>>Maryland:  A Thinking Man's Delaware
>>
>>Massachusetts:  Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
>>
>>Michigan:  First Line of Defense From the Canadians
>>
>>Minnesota:  10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
>>
>>Mississippi:  Come Feel Better About Your Own State
>>
>>Missouri:  Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
>>
>>Montana:  Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
>>
>>Nebraska:  Ask About Our State Motto Contest
>>
>>Nevada:  Whores and Poker!
>>
>>New Hampshire:  Go Away and Leave Us Alone
>>
>>New Jersey:  You Want a ##$%##! Motto?  I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
>>
>>New Mexico:  Lizards Make Excellent Pets
>>
>>New York:  You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney . . .
>>
>>North Carolina:  Tobacco is a Vegetable
>>
>>North Dakota:  We Really Are One of the 50 States!
>>
>>Ohio:  At Least We're Not Michigan
>>
>>Oklahoma:  Like the Play, Only No Singing
>>
>>Oregon:  Spotted Owl . . . It's What's For Dinner
>>
>>Pennsylvania:  Cook With Coal
>>
>>Rhode Island:  We're Not REALLY An Island
>>
>>South Carolina:  Remember the Civil War?  We Didn't Actually Surrender
>>
>>South Dakota:  Closer Than North Dakota
>>
>>Tennessee:  The Educashun State
>>
>>Texas:  Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
>>
>>Utah:  Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
>>
>>Vermont:  Yep
>>
>>Virginia:  Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
>>
>>Washington:  Help!  We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
>>
>>Washington, D.C.:  Wanna Be Mayor?
>>
>>West Virginia:  One Big Happy Family--Really!
>>
>>Wisconsin:  Come Cut Our Cheese
>>
>>Wyoming:  Where Men Are Men and Sheep Are Scared

:>How the Media Would Handle the End of the World

>USA Today:     WE'RE DEAD
>
>Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends
>
>National Enquirer:     O.J. and Nicole, Together Again
>
>Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse
>
>Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour
>
>Sports Illustrated:    Game Over
>
>Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse
>
>Ladies' Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with New "Armageddon" Diet!
>
>TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielsen Ratings Soar!
>
>Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it
affect the way we view the cosmos?
>
>Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share
>
>Microsoft Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software
patch RAPT777.EXE
>
>America Online: System temporarily down; try calling back in 15 minutes.
>
>Washington Post: World Ends; Women and Minorities Hurt Most
>
>New York Daily News: GOD TO NY: DROP DEAD
>
>New York Post: GOD TO HILLARY: DROP DEAD
>
>Money: Sure, You'll Be Dead---But With These Mutual Funds Your Money Will
Keep on Growing
>
>Cosmopolitan: End with a Bang, Not a Whimper: Great Sex Techniques for Your End-Time
>
>Utne Reader:   Death---End of Life or Beginning of a New Way of Perceiving Reality?
>
>New Yorker:    The Apocalypse Issue [counts for two]
>
>Self:  Want to Die Thin? You Got It
>
>Bon Appetit:   Great Desserts for Your Last Supper
>
>Women's Day:   Great Desserts that Won't Make You Look Fat in a Casket
(Coupons Inside)
>
>Self:  Great Desserts for the Slim Dead You
>
>Mother Jones: Death Comes to All, Including the Neoconservative Political Elite
>
>American Spectator:    Hillary Will Be Dead and Will Never Beat Guiliani Now.
And, Yeah, Her Husband Will Be Dead Too
>
>American Standard: Bill Clinton--The Ultimate Lame Duck. And Now Al Gore's
*Really* Dead
>
>Ms: The Ultimate Divide, or Just Another Way of Shutting Us Out?
>
>Seventeen: Dead or Just Unpopular? Take Our Quiz
>
>Teen:  Back Street Boys and N'Sync: Dead but the Cutest
>
>People: The 25 Most Beautiful Dead People
>
>Regardies: Dead Again
>
>Esquire: Dubious Achievement of the Apocalypse: We're Dead, but We Wrote
Better Than Playboy
>
>Playboy: Stiff, but We Had Greater Circulation Than Esquire
>
>GQ: Good-Lookin' Corpses: Men of the Apocalypse
>
>JAMA:  Managed Care: Dead at Last

              Things You Learn From the Movies:
                >>
                >>1.   Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
                >>within the price range of most people--whether they are
                >>employed or not.
                >>
                >>2.   At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
                >>
                >>3.   Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire
                >>to cut.  You will always choose the right one.
                >>
                >>4.   Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
                >>communications system of any invading alien society.
                >>
                >>5.   It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
                >>fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently
                >>to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
                >>manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
                >>
                >>6.   When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
                >>your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly
                >>bluish.
                >>
                >>7.   If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
                >>world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
                >>
                >>8.   Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
                >>down three days before their retirement.
                >>
                >>9.   Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
                >>their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving
                >>fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating
                >>sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to
                >>escape.
                >>
                >>10.   All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach
                >>the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man
                >>lying beside her.
                >>
                >>11.   All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
                >>French bread.
                >>
                >>12.   It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
                >>someone in the control tower to talk you down.
                >>
                >>13.   Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while
                >>scuba diving.
                >>
                >>14.   You're very likely to survive any battle in any war

                >>unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of
                >>your sweetheart back home.
                >>
                >>15.   Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or
                >>Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
                >>language.   A German or Russian accent will do.
                >>
                >>16.   The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
                >>
                >>17.   A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
                >>beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
                >>wounds.
                >>
                >>18.   If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
                >>thrown through it before long.
                >>
                >>19.   If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
                >>any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
                >>
                >>20.   Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
                >>always say: Enter Password Now.
                >>
                >>21.   Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
                >>necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
                >>right every few moments.
                >>
                >>22.   All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
                >>large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
                >>
                >>23.   A detective can only solve a case once he has been
                >>suspended from duty.
                >>
                >>24.   If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
                >>you meet will know all the steps.
                >>
                >>25.   Police departments give their officers personality tests
                >>to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
                >>their total opposite.
                >>
                >>26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer
                >>to speak to each other in English.

MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY SCHEDULE

 December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey, spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

 December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

 December 3
Repaint entire house snow white with forest green shutters. Hand stencil white stars on shutters and, using snow blower, spray glitter over house to give it that festive look.

 December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim, on dining room ceiling.

 December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

 December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

 December 7
Hand fashion Christmas wreaths from pine branches collected myself from the Martha Stewart National Forest.

 December 8
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles, handmade from beeswax from my backyard bee colony.

 December 9
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones.

 December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of the Earth.

 December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

 December 12
Erect ice skating rink in front yard, using spring water I bottled myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album.

 December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

 December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

 December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.

 December 16
Take the day off. Decide to go into therapy after the holidays.

 December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

 December 18
Make appointment with therapist.

 December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

 December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white wash and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

 December 21
Drain City reservoir, refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

 December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

 December 23
Seed clouds for White Christmas.

 December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores.  Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel  less inadequate than they really are.

 December 25
Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and friends and cross-reference by color and size.

 December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

 December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of myself.

 December 28
Take tree apart, disinfect, and reassemble for New Year's Eve Party.

 December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, using 365 material squares woven by myself. Donate to local charity.

 December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive branches, to signify world peace.

 December 31
New Year's Eve!! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

 January 1, 2000
Appointment with therapist. Redecorate her office during session.


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