Please send your best jokes:
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the
purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must
I was a bit startled by this proclamation,
but I was intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, since I was indeed single. I
looked at the six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly unusual about my
selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
'Well, you know what, you're absolutely
right. But how on earth did you know that?
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'
Joke Page Editor: Ironically, the following is still true but even
more so in the Middle Ages when cholera and other water-borne diseases were rampant.
For those who wish to have a glass of wine.. and those who don't...this
is something to think about.
As Benjamin Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully
controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1
liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in
feces. In other words, we would be consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or
tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through
a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit
The Cabbie and the Nun
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the
very handsome cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
"I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you," says the
"My son, you cannot offend me," says the Nun. "When you're as old as I am
and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."
"Well," said the cabbie, "I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
"Well, lets see what we can do about that," the Nun replies. "First, you
have to be single and, second, you must be Catholic."
The cabbie is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"Okay," says the Nun. "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a passonate kiss but, when they get back
on the road, the cabbie starts crying.
"My dear child," says the Nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, Sister, for I have sinned," says the cabbie. "I lied, and I
must confess that I'm married and I'm a Methodist."
That's okay," says the Nun. "My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume
> A MARRIED COUPLE IN THEIR EARLY 50'S WAS OUT CELEBRATING THEIR 35TH
> ANNIVERSARY IN A QUIET, ROMANTIC LITTLE RESTAURANT.
> SUDDENLY, A TINY BEAUTIFUL FAIRY APPEARED ON THEIR TABLE AND SAID, 'FOR
> BEING SUCH AN EXEMPLARY MARRIED COUPLE AND FOR BEING SO FAITHFUL TO EACH
> OTHER FOR ALL THIS TIME, I WILL GRANT YOU EACH A WISH.'
> 'OH, I WANT TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD WITH MY DARLING HUSBAND'
> SAID THE WIFE.' THE FAIRY WAVED HER MAGIC WAND AND POOF-TWO TICKETS FOR
> THE QUEEN MARY ll LUXURY LINER APPEARED IN HER HANDS.
> THEN IT WAS THE HUSBAND'S TURN. HE THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND
> SAID: 'WELL, THIS IS ALL VERY ROMANTIC, BUT AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS
> WILL NEVER COME AGAIN. I'M SORRY MY LOVE, BUT MY WISH IS TO HAVE A WIFE
> 30 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.'
> THE WIFE, AND THE FAIRY, WERE DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED, BUT A WISH IS
> A WISH....
> SO THE FAIRY WAVED HER MAGIC WAND AND - POOF!- THE HUSBAND
> BECAME 82 YEARS OLD.
> THE MORAL OF THE STORY: MEN WHO ARE UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS SHOULD
> REMEMBER FAIRIES ARE FEMALE.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England .
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
Mexico , which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York .
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise
ever delivered to Mexico .
as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York .
The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the
cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting
were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of
Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as
Sinko de Mayo.
Ukraine's 'oldest man' turns 116
By Helen Fawkes
BBC News, Kiev
A man thought to be the oldest living person in the world is celebrating his 116th birthday.
Hryhoriy Nestor was born in what is now Ukraine.The authorities are to mark the occasion
by officially recognising him as the oldest person in Ukraine.
They say they have documents that prove that his birthday is on 15 March 1891.
An attempt is now being made to get him into the international record books.
Hryhoriy puts his long life down to the fact that he has never been married.
> The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
> readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
> subtracting, or changing one letter -- and supply a new definition.
Some of the winners are:
> 1. Cashtration (n.): the act of buying or building a house, which
> renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus (n.): a person who's both stupid and an asshole.
> 3. Intaxication (n.): euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
> until you realize that it was your money to start with.
> 4. Reintarnation (n.): coming back to life as a hillbilly.
> 5. Bozone (n.): the substance surrounding stupid people that stops
> bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
> little sign of breaking down in the near future.
> 6. Foreploy (n.): any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
> of getting laid.
> 7. Giraffiti (n.): vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
> 8. Sarchasm (n.): the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
> person who doesn't get it.
> 9. Inoculatte (v.): to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
> 10. Hipatitis (n.): terminal coolness.